Except for extremely long or extremely private entries, I'm deciding to make the switch to Tumblr. I hold no promises... I've been attempting to do this for over a year now, but never had the patience to figure the damn site out. I think I have it under control. Meet me there, will you?

http://ledavenport.tumblr.com

:)

The scars of your love
Remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
-Adele

So, I know that I'm a terrible person, but I don't think I should feel guilty, because you played the same game thousands of times... and... you don't see me angry (somehow). 

Let's see.

I'm still at UNCW. I still love it. I also am still pursuing the same major (you weren't expecting that one, were you?). I think I've grown up and also grown... down? Become younger? Receded, I suppose? Whatever proper diction, I've been misunderstanding myself. Finals came and went, and grades were posted. I'm such an average student, but English has definitely awakened my soul this semester. Can't wait for 5 classes of it this fall. Delicious.

There were various family funtivities, ranging from Jonathan's graduation from VT, Easter, mother's day, etc. I look back on the relationship my mom and I have had and it's both terrifying and comforting to watch it continue to morph. I admit that there were... a few... occasions where I wanted to punt her head across Virginia at the graduation, but if I didn't have those urges then she wouldn't be my mother.

I am so deeply proud of my siblings that I cannot properly express it. I'm truly blessed, and it's so obvious that I'm the inadequate child out of the three of us. I'm okay with it.

I'm blessed to have my father. I love him so much. We're just terrible at that whole expressing-your-feelings crap. But I hope he knows.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm simultaneously upset and happy with where I am in this second. On one hand, I think I've crafted a promising life for myself. I look around me right now... I'm seated comfortably on a green couch. A tacky green, but a couch. I'm in an air conditioned apartment, listening to a soothing song, writing. I worked out, I have coffee. This is who I've always been, and I'm so grateful that I haven't abandoned that person. I am job searching, submitting writing, making friendships last, and sealing some of the happiest memories of my life. Wilmington has become more of a home than anywhere else I've lived, and that's a huge stride forward. I wouldn't call it my permanent place of residence... I don't think I'll ever find one of those, to be completely honest. I want to travel, I want to see the world, I want to change the world. I sincerely hope that after graduating I'll receive an opportunity to carry out such dreams.

On the other hand, I'm upset. I've reverted into some of my old habits, and have somehow found a "medium," but whenever I commit these acts I always feel a tiny twinge of guilt. Why? I don't know. I suppose I could be doing better things with my time? I could probably always be doing better things with my time. But I've found the line between social drinking and inheriting my mother's habits, the line between fun and dangerous, the line between hungover and violently sick, the line between regrettable hookups and being flirty. I accept all lessons with humility, no matter how much they tore, poked, sliced, kicked, and pushed me around in the moment.

One thing that has been picking at me most recently is the idea of loneliness. I'm not necessarily "lonely"... but I am. I mean, I haven't had a guy to call my "boyfriend" in... 4 years? Is that okay? Of course it's okay. Is it admirable? Sought after? Desired? Wanted? Absolutely not, and I pray that I do not fall back into people I was once entangled with.

I cannot tell whether it is God leading me, Satan tricking me, or me deceiving myself. I pray for clarity.

Jamming to Iron & Wine on this lovely... Monday. Since when were Mondays lovely? That'd be never.

Let's see... I'm currently reading Slaughterhouse Five and very much enjoying it. I've had a pretty low-key weekend... Friday I left my apartment once, and that was to get food. I came down with some foul illness and just took it easy. I did, however, have a two hour conversation with Jordan and cleared a lot of things up. He's no longer engaged, which is weird, but he's an adult and from what I gathered it was the best decision to make. Fingers crossed, I'm hopefully seeing him this week. Saturday I slept in and went to the gym... hung around. We were all going to go out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants here, but on our way out the sky had that eerie... terrifying look. This was the day that that huge storm came through NC and basically tore everything apart. It was a tough decision. I was totally still game for dinner, but half our group was uneasy, so we just decided to grab something quick and bring it back to our place. The storm came and went... pretty windy, but nothing huge. Only lasted about 20 minutes. We went to one of our friend's houses and drank and had fun. I'm going to miss a lot of this group when they graduate. Didn't get back until an insane hour. Woke up at 8am to register for classes. Face planted back into my pillow and slept until noon, Lindsay's registration. Got breakfast with her. Then suddenly we were like... super productive. We both power cleaned the apartment and started on homework. Worked out. Showered. High fived. Kind of ruled.

Morgan and I went to dinner then Barnes & Noble for the evening. I have an exam tomorrow night so I figured I'd better get started. Stayed there until close, then came back here and got some lit stuff done. Tried to crash early but didn't get sleepy until 2am. And here I am! Listening to my Bonnaroo playlist, getting ever the more stoked as the day draws nearer, sipping on morning coffee and thinking about the day. It's gorgeous outside, supposed to be 78 today. Pretty stoked for that.

I did not, unfortunately, get published in our campus magazine. I picked it up and read some of the stuff, though. I guess my writing is not what they're looking for. I still have plenty of other shots, though. I haven't heard back from the New York Times yet... fingers crossed.

Easter break is almost here. Just today, tomorrow, and Wednesday, and then I'm headed to Raleigh for a good bit. Then finals, then Jonathan's graduation, then summer classes. It's all moving so quickly, it's hard to keep track of. I got hit with the realization that two years of college is over. If I still plan on graduating early, I'm over halfway there. Crazy, right? Can't exactly wrap my head around it.

Hm. Going to go shower and work on some exam stuff. Feeling productive again, which is very much needed. It's probably because of the hardcore coffee mug I chose to drink out of this morning. Haha.